Does my butt look too big?
Updated: Mar 7
I think for me the answer to that question is unfortunately yes. It does look too big Laura😬. I have a big butt and I cannot lie! Isn't that how the song goes? Anyway, hands down, my butt is my least favorite body part and it seems to be out of proportion to the rest of my body. Here is a sample dialog that I have when I try on clothes. Front view - I like these pants a lot. Side view - Yes, this is a great outfit. Back view - ABORT ABORT....I CAN'T WEAR THIS! And so it goes - my butt has ruined yet another outfit. 😡
Even when I am "down" in my weight I feel like my butt is too big. When I am "up" in weight, well the word yowza comes to mind. I am not proud of my big butt and I mostly try to hide it. I am a master at walking backwards away from people in order to avoid them looking at my backside. There are times that the appearance of my backside makes me feel fat, frumpy and unattractive. This causes me to be uncomfortable, unhappy and anxious. It is at this point the answer for me has always been to diet. Lose some weight and I won't feel this way. Simple solution right? No, not so simple. I have 25+ years experience with dieting and I can conclude that the weight loss is always temporary and it has caused me to have a very dysfunctional relationship with food. You can read more in my previous blog Making Peace With Food.
I recently came across a podcast called Going Beyond the Food with Stephanie Dodier. Let me say that she and her podcast are beyond fabulous and I would highly recommend giving it a listen. She said in podcast #206 "I could chose to repeat my action, therefore have the same results or I could change my choices and evolve." Excellent! I want to evolve too! To change my choices though in this instance would mean not to diet and perhaps I would stay the same weight. Maybe I would even gain more weight?! I have never not dieted before when I gained weight. I have never let myself be "heavier". To say that I am out of my comfort zone with this possibility is an understatement.
Speaking of comfort zone, one of my favorite teachers Pema Chodron speaks of being in a challenge zone. Another word for this she says is the learning zone. She teaches that most of us want and expect to be in our comfort zone for ever and always. First, being in a comfort zone all the time is impossible and second, there is no growth or transformation in the comfort zone. Dieting in essence has been my comfort zone for 25+ years. Gain weight - feel heavy - lose weight - feel deprived - eat too much - gain weight. On and on it goes. Well, it took a while for me, but I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and into the challenge zone. As scary as it is I want to learn to do something different. I want to evolve. I want to transform.
So here I am. Am I uncomfortable? - Yes for sure! Am I ready and willing to be uncomfortable for change? - Yes for sure! Will my butt even get bigger than it is now? Well maybe, but I have decided to move on with this uncertainty in the quest of growth and change. Maybe in this lifetime I may even grow to love my big butt....Hey it could happen:)